Wondering if you were ever coming around…

HEY future flame! Do you know I’m waiting? It takes all patience in me even if I’m near to the state of panic. It’s agonizing yet I am still waiting.

Be reminded that first and foremost, I’m sorry I may be messing around. Sometimes my mind is in chaos that I don’t care much what the world would think of me. There’s gotta be a lot of fixing and it would mean a lot  if you will opt to hang on during the repairs. I am nuts, hope you are cool with that.

Second, I do not have to be hard-pressed with deep emotions. Especially for you. I have not been involved with anyone and it scares the hell out of me. I won’t expect much from you but I will try to give you my best. Errrkay?

Third, I like being crazy and doing spontaneous activities. I seldom prefer planned hang-outs so it would be better to just go out there—see places, meet people, try new things. Random is fun.

Fourth, I am a talker. I would love to have conversations with you. Engaging you in those will help me know if I really really really like you. It will be thrilling to know your thoughts. I am tactless at times so it would be appreciated if you say things bluntly rather than flowery (even if it hurts!). And don’t get offended with my harshness. I am just being me.

Fifth, I have a thing for music. I am not musically-inclined, not even a singer. But I love music around me. For me, it’s the easiest way to communicate particularly when it’s hard to express how I feel.

Sixth, I sometimes crush on athletes: basketball, volleyball, football players and the like. Thug! I am not even sporty, I just find them awesome.

Seventh, I am enamored in reading. Pardon me when I swoon over Christian Grey, or Gideon Cross. Even Augustus Waters. Don’t get jealous buddy. They are just favorites while you’re the only one.

Eight, I won’t be sweet to you at all times because I will also have my bad days. Wait, am I sweet? Lol. I am not really showy. You will have to figure out if I do care.

Ninth, allow me to have my alone time. I will always need that. I value my independence and I will gladly give yours as well.

Tenth, I tend to over think. I am risk averse. Can you teach me how to trust and be not afraid?

What’s happening??

I had a good cry today. I am not certain however if it was really good or, did I feel better afterwards because I was surprised myself. I thought maybe due to watching a Korean drama that is why I was feeling heavy and all. Then I realized I was too overwhelmed with my emotions that I did not know how to deal with them. Too may emotions to confront.

I thought of opening this up to someone I truly miss. I am just afraid that person does not miss me at all. I want to tell that friend everything, and ask me if I’m alright. Share the thoughts with me, making that person uncomfortable even in opening things up and voicing out opinions. I want to know about the other perspective why I felt so alone. So lonely. So bad. So selfish. So weak. So vulnerable. Please, make me understand.

Keep marchin’ on and dreaming out loud.

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June 28, 2013. Friday. There was an announcement—OneRepublic will be coming to Manila in November! I was so surprised because I was not that really rooting for them. I was, and still am, anticipating for Matchbox Twenty to perform here. They’ll be having concerts in Hong Kong and Singapore this November. Hopes are high that they’ll stop by here since concert dates are on November 6 and 10, respectively. But then, the great Ryan Tedder is coming so might as well feel stoked about it. So agitated that I’m on fan girl mode by now. Like, it’s four more months until the concert. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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I bought my concert ticket already. I purchased Upperbox B seat (free seating) because I find it thrilling to be looking for a seat barely knowing everyone in the venue’s section I will be in. Yes, your guess is right. I will be watching the band alone. This is going to be the first time and I am excited about it. I’m fond of watching movies alone, so why not take it to the next level and try watching some foreign live act. My good friends will be there too but they have their own companies to be with. I can’t compromise my freedom for that rock ‘n roll vibe just to be with them and their relevant parties so I’d rather be alone. We’re going to be in one spirit that night regardless.

Thing is, I’m also afraid of it. I’m anxious that I might get used to being alone, and that time will come I won’t consider tagging these buddies along with me because if I would’ve carried on that one night, it could be possible for other concert nights. I have already survived watching movies single-handedly that I don’t bother asking anyone to accompany me anymore since I  can do it with no one but myself. Frightening for my interpersonal relationships but maybe I don’t mind that much.

Another experience will be added to my pile of “me times” nevertheless. I am looking forward to this for the reason that.. It doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone. 😉

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How convenient.

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I hate that this would be my possible second entry, but it leaves me no choice.

I don’t understand why people choose to be in a relationship for the sake of saving their so-called pride. I am 23 years old at this very moment. I’m in that late-early twenties stage. Haven’t had a boyfriend. Correct, not even ONE. But who says I’m in a rush? I’m curious, I want to know what it is like, how it is like to be in a relationship with someone you love. Someone you think you’ll really end up and spend the rest of your life with. Someone who will check up on you, ask about your day-to-day activities, have a share of your ups and downs. Someone who will be there no matter how ugly you could get, endure your PMS-ing moods (and even when you’re not PMS-ing), when you feel beautiful about yourself, how positive you see the world and all that.. I. AM. REALLY. CURIOUS. But I guess that doesn’t give me the permission to jump into a relationship when a guy likes me and I don’t like him. Cut the chase then I’d rant about not having that chemistry between us. Like, there’s no kilig. Say what? I have an instant boyfie!! Because I like the attention he gives me? Because I pity him? Oh, because I’m 23 and how could I be mature if I didn’t experience that?? Some kind of shiz, but I guess shiz really happens. Seems like it’s the most immature and selfish way to do it—for the sake of having a boyfriend. And that also doesn’t allow me to hurt any guy just to satisfy these issues of mine.

Maybe I just don’t understand because I am not in that sitch. I sympathize the guy this kind of girl has dragged into. Although it might be a mutual understanding between them, and the guy is really head-over-heels liking this girl that makes him give into it, I still hope a positive outcome on this. Somewhere along the way, either party will get hurt. Worst, it could be both when it strikes back at them. Still I am hoping for an affirmative thing.

To the girl who opts to be in this trench, I want you to be happy. Loose yourself and fall for this guy if that’s possible. I know there’s something about him that made you decide to have a trial-and-error relationship. If it doesn’t work, I think you will learn your lesson very well. And be mature enough that even though there are chances like that, sometimes you take two steps backward and see where things would take you. To the guy who just happens to like (or maybe love) a girl so much, I hope you’ll do fine. I might hate you for consenting in this kind of thing and could be the culprit in bringing up that kind of agreement, I can’t blame you. It’s your freewill.

Who doesn’t love happy endings, anyway? 🙂

Love is more than a feeling; it’s a commitment.

First blog entry.. EVER!! :)

Reading someone else’s blog got in the nerve of having my own as well. Maybe it’s also because of my “stalking prowess” that led me to this, but hey, I’m just a frustrated writer too. Or maybe because I don’t know how to say things the way that they should be said. And I’m afraid I always get misinterpreted, so I’d rather listen to music.. Or WRITE. Too many lame excuses huh! I just wanna write, that’s all. 

I remember my English IV teacher in high school writing on my essay paper that she liked my manner of writing. Like it’s very “simple yet meaningful”. Hope I remember her words right. Guess I have yet to check that paper. Yes, I still have it. 🙂 And maybe I have talent on this. *fingers crossed* HAHA!

As  much as possible, I will try this to be my new outlet when de-stressing. Well, I always give in to my urge to watch movies and/or have some me time. Pathetic, yet I think it’s therapeutical. Maybe this one could help. Not that I have a disorder problem. I just want to see how far I can let my voice, emotions, whatever you call them, be written. *excited*

Looking forward to more blooooggggsssss! xx

 

P.S. My friend suggested that my tagline should be: “Overthinking put into words.” But then I might stick to what I thought of first for now. 😛